I find myself wondering what if almost daily. What if I had kept contact with that friend from school? What if I had acted when I felt like maybe a friendship was more than a friendship? What if I had gone to college? What if my grandmother, mom, dad, etc. were still here? What if I had said, "No, I can't get married."? What would my life be like. It's amazing to me how the littlest thing seems to crawl into my brain and reside there. A familiar place, sound, smell and I'm right back in the memory, clinging. I don't know if this is the case for everyone, or if my obsessive tendencies propel me toward a life of chronic observance but whatever the case it makes me wonder why I can't be satisfied in the present. I like my life. I have friends. I can't say that I am always sunshine and rainbows but there are more ups than downs regularly. I can't quite seem to let go of what was. I can't seem to shake the feeling that there are things unsaid with friends, things undone with regard to my career and a growing need for all things artistic and expressive. It also forces me to realize that while my acquaintance list is quite large, I never really let anyone in. Maybe it's because I'm not really sure, nor have I ever been which me is the real me. I am torn between this amazingly outgoing, barrel of laughs that never meets a stranger and heckles at baseball games and the introvert that silently analyzes everything around and goes mad if the kitchen is out of order. As bizarre as this rambling is... and that is what I am doing... rambling so far off the subject you probably have lost interest!... but the point is that while we all long for what was, we are the reason it is no longer present. Why are things not as simple as they were sixty years ago? Because we have become a money hungry, dishonest and tolerant society. We parade our opinions but few of us have values. We are eager to file a lawsuit to demand our rights be equal but have little idea that though we have given "equality" for some, we are still judging each other. Change begins with us. No politician or religious icon can be the catalyst for our change. The only way to have what once was is to change yourself. To mold yourself into your idea of perfection and stop placing judgement on others and demanding that some judicial body tell you what your rights are. I suppose this is just a rant today with no real focus. My apologies for that. Hopefully next time my opinion won't get the better of me. Until then... S
This week was the one year anniversary of my mom's passing. As always I am reminiscent of our good times and along with it creeps in the fleeting thoughts of the bad times, simultaneously. It almost is as if the two are welded together, as if one cannot be entertained without the other. Toward the end of mom's life, she took the time to explain herself and why she did certain things. She took the time to apologize and make the menz that had been twenty years in necessity. I suppose in saying that, my encouragement for the week, is to let the past stay in the past. Forgive. Notice there was not a Forget following that statement. I think it best in certain circumstances to cut your losses. But Forgiveness cleanses your soul. It removes the burden that is plaguing your life, and I assure you that if you are holding onto something that was done or is continuing to be done to you... you are plagued. I maintained this stronghold on my hard feelings for far too long. My hard feelings ...
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