Living and Learning

Ever have that shiny pair of shoes that just didn't seem to fit. They are your size... you like the style... your foot goes into them... but for some bizarre reason your foot just doesn't like to conform? Maybe it's just me and my constant need for improvement which on some large scale equals attainable perfection in my mind but I can't seem to make myself fit this shoe I am currently in. I like the job okay. I can do it. It suits me... but it just isn't fullfilling. I suppose the biggest problem is that I am apparantly okay with mediocraty on some level because I am unwilling to alter my monotany. Why is it that achievement seems so easy when you are younger? Conquering the world becomes less intriguing as time goes on. I entertain glimpses of me ten years ago and think that maybe that person is coming back to reside within me. You know her, the ambitious, foxfire, refusing to take no for an answer, refusing to accept that people, places, things can't be change...

I find myself wondering what if almost daily. What if I had kept contact with that friend from school? What if I had acted when I felt like maybe a friendship was more than a friendship? What if I had gone to college? What if my grandmother, mom, dad, etc. were still here? What if I had said, "No, I can't get married."? What would my life be like. It's amazing to me how the littlest thing seems to crawl into my brain and reside there. A familiar place, sound, smell and I'm right back in the memory, clinging. I don't know if this is the case for everyone, or if my obsessive tendencies propel me toward a life of chronic observance but whatever the case it makes me wonder why I can't be satisfied in the present. I like my life. I have friends. I can't say that I am always sunshine and rainbows but there are more ups than downs regularly. I can't quite seem to let go of what was. I can't seem to shake the feeling that there are things unsaid with f...